[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
What even happened today?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.