@CornOnTheGoblin

[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT

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@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@thedadvocate01

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

@burntmybagel

My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”

@Bob_Janke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

@actualhuman01

[department store]

me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome

@fro_vo

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

@LizHackett

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

@chuuew

Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog