The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.
So I have no switched to mint Oreos.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him “doctor.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Pressing elevator buttons with my safety hotdog