wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
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When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
is this store having a stroke wtf
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?