[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

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Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.

Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?

Netflix: no


All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”


I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.


[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs


I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.


A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.


BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess


Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”


SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]