[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.