Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
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I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
blocked.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.