@ehdannyboy

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

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@UnFitz

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

@Home_Halfway

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@ItsAndyRyan

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

@spies_please

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@JennyJohnsonHi5

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

@underrateDad

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.

@TheMcBang

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up