Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
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Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.