Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
You Might Also Like
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
The Compass
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
good morning
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..