@PleaseBeGneiss

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

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@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@Lisabug74

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.

@kimlockhartga

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

@dafloydsta

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

@not_thenanny

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

@WilliamAder

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@huntigula

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

@mccoy_paul

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.