“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
And a medium?
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.