Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Twitter is an abusement park.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.