*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

You Might Also Like


Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once


Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair?



me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights


*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*



Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.


At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.