@Adam14

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

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@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@Dawn_M_

Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair?

Hi!

@sonictyrant

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

@Parkerlawyer

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

@Birdhumms

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

@Dawn_M_

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.