*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Expect the unexporcupine.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Traveler’s camo
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up