Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.