wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
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The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
welp
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-