Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Hmm, not sure about this change
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad