Wife: Maybe its time for “the talk”
Me: Ok. Son, cops can’t bust you for the drugs you’ve done, just the drugs you have.
Her: Not that talk!

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A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.


*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”


[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy


If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”


I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.


“That’ll be $15.99 please”
“Do you take giant revolving badgers?”
*cashier grabs me by the throat*
“We ONLY take giant revolving badgers”


ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.


I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.