wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
You Might Also Like
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean