WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.