I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”