WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
What if the weather talks about us?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?