I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.