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I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.

I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date

Much more satisfying.


My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.


My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…


Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.


“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess


Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.


If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.