Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Try and stop me.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.