I never wish death upon anybody who wrongs me.
I wish sudden, explosive diarrhea while on a date
Much more satisfying.
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My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Cotton candy is just flavored spider webs
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.
In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.