My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
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When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Order here:
More here:
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.