WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
You Might Also Like
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
are there any atheist mantises?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!