coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Well, that should do it
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Me too door. Me too.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job