wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
uncle dave has been through hell
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
seems like a niche market
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
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