I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me: “woofie goldberg”
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I always appreciate when someone leaves me a voice mail. It let’s me know they don’t need my attention until the next time I’m bored enough to empty out my voice mail folder.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”
Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.