@KeetPotato

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

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@AlmightyBored

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@Lance_Said_This

ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!

@Dustinkcouch

brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny

me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-

brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end

me: was that the funny thing?

brain: what funny thing? is heaven real

@nyquills

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

@dysondoc

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

@Angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that