Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me: “woofie goldberg”
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[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
brain: hahaha! just thought of something funny
me: ok hold onto it until i can write it dow-
brain: i don’t want to die. i want to be alive so i can think about never dying. i do not want me to end
me: was that the funny thing?
brain: what funny thing? is heaven real
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that