WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

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Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.


My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.


Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”


I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.


My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.


[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma