WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
a god among men
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.