@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

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@longwall26

Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.

@VirgoSherry

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@baronvonbike

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

@wastefulthinker

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

@marinhubka

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

@heyitsJudeD

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

@4ndBest

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma