@TheMichaelRock

*wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

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@LipLush1

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

@CorkyKneivel

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

@shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@BadMikeyBad

The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@FredTaming

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it