You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*wife notices the books all over the floor*
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
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I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]