WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.