WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Yeah. This was me today.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.