*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.