wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
just witnessed a drug deal
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.