Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
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1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
I’m getting really good at this parenting thing. I just secretly ate 3 oreos while my kids were in the same room.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?
Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
14yo: Have you ever smoked marijuana?
Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear.
“That’s incredible”, he says
“When did I record this?”