WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

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My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!


Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.


For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…


Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.


Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater


Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.


I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.


You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.


[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.