WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.