@Tommytoughstuff

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

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@solsayswhaaa

[3am]

My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@Marlebean

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

@mydmac

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

@vineyille

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

@LackOfShame

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

@FaisalAdam_

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

@ErrenMichaels

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

@DurtMcHurtt

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.