My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.