If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
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My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
me @ my friends
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying