WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

You Might Also Like


If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.


My kids remembered it was Tuesday, like some sort of wizards, so we’re eating tacos and school is cancelled for the rest of the week, because clearly they are doing better than most of us.


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.


Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”


Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.


“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.


His hearts in his throat

His lungs in his knee

His stomachs inside out

Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying