WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
You Might Also Like
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.