Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
This rocks
real
Alexa, make me look good naked.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*