Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.


My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.


“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.


The local sperm bank now has a quick serve location with a drive-thru window. It’s called Jack-It-In-The-Box.


Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts


I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”


If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.


If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost


Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.