Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.