Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.