@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

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@Adam14

Hey, people who don’t properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips… what’s it like eating spider eggs?

@psybermonkey

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

@MarlonBrandNO

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

@KissabiX

Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?

@philyuck

I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@ObscureGent

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

@PatsATweetin

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

@Gaby_Moss

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”