Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.