No, YOUR illiterate.
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“