Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”