Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…
Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it