Wife: ok, you have free reign to decide on all household decisions today…

Me: *too shocked to move or decide anything…*

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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole


KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.


I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..



Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.


Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go


I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.


Seize the day. Take a nap. Knit a sweater. Rob a bank. Take another nap.


I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it