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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.