Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Sign at work today
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.