Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
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“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Mountain Goat : )
opening a flower shop called women in stem
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.