[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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*checks Timeline*…
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer