@a_simpl_man

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

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@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@LittleMissZesty

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

@TheAlexNevil

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

@notthattom

i talk to dumb ppl the same way i talk to a puppy…

“who’s blocking the exit?? WHO? who’s blockin’ the way!?! YOU are! yes you are!!!”

@ShortSleeveSuit

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

@inmybox07

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.