Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
eggs benadryl
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
thank god the sign was there
we all know this pain all too well
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.