I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Why are middle school girls skipping the awkward stage & going straight to pretty? No no, you get braces &wear blue eyeshadow. Do your time.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
1. Dial random number.
2. Wait for answering machine.
3. Say “My wife is out of town, I miss you”.
4. Hang up.
5. Happy Valentine’s Day.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”