wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Twitter dot com. *sigh*