WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
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My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
sigh
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.