Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
2 years later
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I’m sure it’s fine.