must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
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Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it