Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic