@manwhohasitall

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

You Might Also Like

@pixelatedboat

BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop

@dafloydsta

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

@daemonic3

I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance

– Martin Lex Luthor King

@bonehugsnirony

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

@WorstCassie

Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*

Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*

@tonyhawk

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

@avainwordland

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what