BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
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WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I have a dream, that all men are created equal. Just a bunch of regular men. Like, no “super” men for instance
– Martin Lex Luthor King
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what