Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend