[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.