8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*
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BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Me: You’re gorgeous
Her: OMG that is so sweet, c’mere *I walk right past her & start french kissing her collection of scented candles*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider
12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
ME: let’s go to the International House of Pancakes
GERALD (a bunny): Ihop?
ME: you can do whatever you want, gerald, i’m getting pancakes