“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome