Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
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In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.