him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Simple