You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
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Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Well well well. If it isn’t old Saint Nick trying to slide down this chimney after ignoring my texts for a year.
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ?? my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
What’s your weapon of choice in the zombie apocalypse? Mine is a slower person.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running