This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
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“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Aight bet
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase